Alan Dee: Tactics must change for next year’s Eurovision campaign

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this debriefing session of the GB Eurovision task force 2013.

First, let me congratulate you, one and all. Our plan once again worked perfectly.

As you know, it’s absolutely clear that, given the backscratching voting tactics adopted by one-horse nearly nations from the back of beyond each year, it’s never likely that the only European nation with a consistent track record in the field of popular song will ever win this annual warbleathon again.

But we can’t be too careful. The cost of winning is too awful to contemplate – not only would we have to play host the following year, welcoming a cavalcade of caterwaulers and fake-tanned Euromedia mediocrities back to our place, but we would have to pay for the whole shooting match.

That’s why we secretly switched a few years ago to what’s known in the business as the Irish option.

They can afford to host a bunfight like this even less than we can, and after being stung once too many times in the past have wisely adopted a policy of putting forward no-hopers to fly the flag.

Our tactics are not quite so deliberately downbeat – we have to show some sort of respect to the concept, which is why we haul chart-toppers of generations long gone out of retirement to be our representative, hand them a dull and forgettable ballad and sit back in expectation of a mid-table finish at best.

At times on Saturday night, things were looking a bit rocky. We might regard this whole circus with contempt, but we don’t want a nul points finish.

So this year’s outcome was right on the money, well done.

However, you must all be aware that attitudes to Europe are hardening through the country, and we may have to revise our game plan for next year.

The word from on high is that we don’t care where we finish, we just want to send a clear message to Europe about how the mood has changed back home.

So here’s the plan – yes, we still go for a venerable star of yesteryear as our spotlight star. I’ve checked, and Dame Vera Lynn is free.

We still go for a ballad. I think we can all agree that White Cliffs of Dover will hit the right note.

And because the rules say you can only have six people on the stage, my recommendation is that she should be teamed up with JLS and Jake Bugg for a melting pot mash-up that includes a rap rant from Dame Vera with coded references to two world wars, one world cup, the general awfulness of tea across the continent and straight bananas.

We may well end up at the bottom of the table, below even Ireland, but at least they’ll notice us next time.